I don’t read every single spam that is sent to me – but sometimes the first line catches my eye, and then you get a classic like this one:

Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and may offend your personality for contacting you without your prior consent and writing through this channel. I got your contact from the professional data base found in the internet Yahoo tourist search. When i was searching for a foreign reliable partner. I assured of your capability and reliability to champion this business opportunity.

An amusing start with the combination of ‘Google translate English’, malaproprisms, and just plain silliness. But we’re just getting started.

I am a Canadian Army my name is Captain Andrew Leung. 090209-M-3450C-014 II Marine Expeditionary of Multinational Division Center base in Kabul,Afghanistan, of the NATO Marine Force on Monitoring and Peace keeping mission in Afghanistan,On May 23,2010 we were alerted on the sudden presence of some Terrorists camping in Marzar Sharif . a suburb not too far from Kabul here in Afghanistan. After Immediate intervention, we captured three (3) of the Terrorists,(7) injured.

Soldiers, Afghanistan, captures – Hollywood style excitement!

In the process of torture they confessed being rebels for Abu Baqir a Taliban sub-commander and al-Qaida group leader,

Thanks G.W. Bush – now even the spammers think torturing prisoners is common. But I guess I shouldn’t be too insulted since this guy says he is Canadian.

and they took us to a cave in Marzar Sharif. which served as their camp.Here we recovered several guns and other Ammunitions including some boxes among which two contains nuclear weapons, and the other contains some millions of US Dollars and i have in my possession the sum of 9.7 million U.S. dollars as my share.

I am in keen need of a Reliable and Trust worthy person like you who would receive the MONEY,secure and protect the box which contains the US Dollars for me because in 3 weeks time some U.S.Army will replace our UNIT in Afghanistan and i will soon come back and finish the deal and relocate my family to your country. I assure and promise to give you 30% of this fund and you keep 70%for me, however feel free to negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this business.

Ok – the usual spam routine: I have money and I need some assistance in getting it home. The part I love best is the – WHAT THE FUCK – Can we go back to the ‘found 2 nuclear weapons’ part?!?! I love how it’s just casually mentioned like it was a six-pack of Coke.

It is never a stolen money or illegal money but because were on duty to bring peace in Afghanistan many soldiers lost their life and no amount of compensation that may bring back the life of dead soldier then consider how the family will feel,that is the reasons my unit decided to share the money among us but return all the guns and ammunition’s to our Camp,it is official and that’s the reason i need your assistance to ship the box to any save location of your choice.

I love the logic – “It’s not stolen cause we found it and…that’s good enough.” But the fact that they tortured some dudes and took their cash already says that their moral compass is a wee bit off.

Please, i trust you to maintain absolute secrecy and confidentiality to protect my job,myself and the money. In less than 5 days the box should be in your possession and i will give you further instructions.But you must know that i have taken precautionary measures to secure the money.The box is coded with high security gadget so am the only one that has the right combination to unlock it.Please send the following information so i can proceed.

Your full name ……………………….
Your full address ……………………..
Your direct phone number …………….
Your Age …………………..

Regards,
Captain Andrew Leung

A high security gadget? Somehow I picture this:

but with a nuclear weapon attached to it.